Monday, 13 March 2017

Network Zero Watchlist #2: Girl House

Welcome to Network Zero Watchlist - a (hopefully) regular diary of every horror movie we've suffered through for better or worse. First watches, rewatches, timely revisitations of old favourites, anything goes.

[contains spoilers]

The movie opens with blurry webcam footage sex, then a quote from Ted Bundy on the dangers of pornography. We're then introduced to 'Loverboy,' a pudgy young kid getting chased and mocked by two girls around his age. One of them is mini Catwoman from Fox's Gotham. She pretends she's going to kiss him, and instead pulls down his pants, promising she'll show him hers if he shows her his. He does, and she and her friend laugh at his tiny penis, which is pretty much what pre-teens tend to do.

When Catwoman rides home on her bike, angry Loverboy intercepts her on a bridge and sends her flying face first onto a grid, smushing up her face and breaking bones in the process. This is alright, obviously, because she made fun of him. He throws her shiny bike into the river below. She begs for him to help her, but he coldly kicks her off the bridge to her death. Again, it's fine, because she's a bully and a cocktease. This might be a slut-shaming MRA manifesto for the decades, but we'll see.

In the present day (because you know Loverboy's all grown up now), struggling college student Kylie begins to tiptoe into the world of camgirling, despite the side-eye from her roommate. Undeterred, she decides to join a house (GIRL HOUSE) filled with gorgeous women who are under surveillance all day via webcam, offering punters a more intimate experience rather than simple porn. (Note: nonchalant breasts and bonus lesbians!)

Kylie's sexy-cam debut is popular around the world. Especially with adult Loverboy, who is watching from his torture dungeon, or something.
There's some more nakedness and then the real stalking starts. Loverboy touches the screen like I do when I see a newborn kitten, though probably with less maternal intention. Is that a sex doll he has in his basement? A corpse? Spoiler: it's actually a murder mask. Remember, it's okay to be a nutcase if girls don't like you.

While Loverboy is creepy as fuck, he's also kind of presented as a tragic figure. His chats sound suspiciously like Nice Guy rhetoric. He just wants to be loved. When he goes to work (he's an IT guy) and ogles one of the women in the office, she calls him out on his behaviour. He looks like he's going to cry, then indulges a fantasy of striking her over the head with a crowbar. You know, just another day on the job for a Nice Guy.

This all reaches fever pitch in the way you might expect (though not without the sideline of Kylie's cute boyfriend ready to save the day). Loverboy is no longer interested in the other ladies of the house and only wants Kylie. He goes off the rails. There are murders (choked by a dildo or decapitation? You don't have to choose, we've got both in one scene!) All because Selina Kyle said he had an acorn dick when he was 12.

I assume the moral of this story is not to be a bitch or a slutty slut. Or just a Female in general (one of the other girls actually asphyxiates herself because Loverboy mutilated her face... shallow as she is, being a woman and all). But you'll already know this if you watch the news/television/worldwide media as a whole. We deserve this! Happy Women's History Month!

Verdict: Watchable, yet unimaginative.

Network Zero Score: 2/5


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