Sunday, 8 May 2011

[review] MASSively Disa(E)FFECTED! #masseffect #xbox360 #review

'Hey I'm Commander Sheppard. I'm a Spectre and like perving on sexy aliens. But anyway, that means I'm a special operative. What? You say you have info. Well I work for the main government of the galaxy so you should hand that info over straight away or I'll be forced to take it. Oh but hang on you say you need your dry cleaning picked up? Say why don't I do that for you and in return you give me the info? Cool. Oh what? The laundrettes is defended by the Gimps! Well no matter I have shit hot fps skillz from playing Bioshock and Halo. Oh yeah, good point. I have like naff shooting skill on my stats sheet. Where did you get that from? So I guess my well aimed head shots mean shit all when ancient cliched robots called reapers have woken up. You ever played Warhammer 40k, or read Dune. Yeah I hear they are like the Necrons and the robots of the synchronized worlds. Oh yeah you are right. I better make my roll. What? How many D6?'







Mass Effect. A quick one word conclusion. Yawn. Yes really. In a galaxy where the pj jump suits of ST:TNG have been modified with armour but still make you look like you are just waiting for the Saturday morning toons to come on, our hero, a special operative, with freedom to do all that is needed to make the galaxy safe, is reduced to goddamn courier missions just to get stuff that by all rights everyone should be handing over (unless of course they are hiding it on purpose). It makes me cry. I thought we had left these types of games in the past with KOTOR.

Maybe I am being unfair? It has a star studded collection of voice actors, and a nice diversity in game play (roleplay investigation, fps and tanks). But it feels all too flat, cardboard, contrieved. Why do I have to take the pirates out on the ground? I have a ship in orbit ffs! And do not get me started on the fps bit where all my shots are meaning less because I am penalized twice (my aim and then my character's shooting stats). WTF! This is why I hated Fallout 3 but at least you could just go into turn based mode and queue up some shots and let the game do the rest.

Don't get me wrong, the game is pretty. But the atmosphere is flat, the voice actors sound bored, and the setting is essentially nothing original (take B5, mix in the Necrons and some twileks and what may aswell be the Narn) and there you have it. No wonder I am going 'Renegade' in the game. Every fucking turn some turd who has info on my targets is holding it back in exchange for some service I can render. If only all I needed to do was make Sheppard just give them all blow jobs. At least it would make the plot line speed up and feel more urgent.

I do like some stuff. I like the galaxy travel and surveying worlds and choosing if some shit hole is worth an away team (surely I should have some fucking red shirts rather than 2 incompetent twats). But  I think if the game was reskinned, where you had a reason to do all the shitty courier jobs (like not being apparently important) then maybe, just maybe it might be better. May also get rid of the fps. I am lazy. I like my game styles separated as each gives a different experience. I want to feel that my investment in the game (xp or personal skill) means something. Perhaps have a setting more original or pay for the license for a better one (Mass Effect would be awesome as Fading Suns, because then you could have sword fights and it could be like Assassin's Creed in space).

Looks - 3/5

Gameplay - 2/5

Plot - 2/5

For reference AC:Brotherhood Looks 4/5, Gameplay 5/5, Plot 5/5


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